Ivies suck
I had fun today. Going out is fun. I don't know why I didn't do it so often in the school year...maybe I wouldn't be as depressed as I was most of the time then. Whatever. I needed to go out. Apart from the fact that there's nothing to do or eat in my house, and the fact that the heat here is slowly eating my brain, I needed to go out because if I didn't, I'd get really depressed today. I found out this morning that Penn is "unable to offer [me] admission." Wow.
Now I'm really nervous. I really don't know what I'm going to feel if I find out that I won't be able to go to America to study in the fall, just because of the money, you know. I got accepted to UVA and UW already, but waiting for their financial aid awards is killing me... 'cause they might not come on time or at all, or they might not give me a nice award. I might be getting a lot of pimples because of this. And I thought I'd be stress-free this summer. Guess not. I'm gonna be so anxious all April. I really really really really really want to go to UVA! Fuck.
Oh, God. At least I still have UP. Shiiit.
Damn. Are those financial aid letters ever going to come!?!?
Edit: Okay my UW FinAid stuff is on the internet pala. Fuck. $5K in federal grants, $3K in work-study, and around $25K in loans. Wow. That's just for one year. I'm gonna be swimming in debt for the rest of my life if I go there. So yes, UW is out of the picture.
UVA, please!!!
It's all over, isn't it?
I'm now surprisingly happier than I was last week. I'm over being depressed, thank God. When graduation ended, the sadness I felt about leaving high school actually ended with it. Fuck. I don't know why I cried after graduation. I told my sister it was stupid crying instead of sad crying, then I rambled on with some lengthy explanation about what I meant, which was weird to be honest, and which I don't care to mention now.
Whatever. There are infrequent times in the day though when I would be hit by pangs of sadness when I would think about not going back to school anymore... but I think happy thoughts and they go away. They'll probably hit me a bit more in the next few weeks, and I'll start getting depressed all over again. How sickening.
Sigh. I have pics of the grad party in my Multiply. Go check it out. Or not.
It ends tonight
It slips away
I'm so depressed. It's like I'm staring into space all the time, and sighing heavily, and even talking to my family is depressing. My sister was like talking to me all excited about something and I was just like "Okay." And my mom's shoving our tax returns which I asked her to file early for my financial aid shit in my face, and I was like "Mom, ayoko asikasuhin yan ngayon." in a depressed tone. Dad's still at work. How depressing. Well I don't need his negative energy. It'll depress me even more. He has this way of making me more depressed at times when I'm so depressed already. Then I end up crying. But not in front of him and everyone else.
Today is so fucking depressing. I wanted to go to school tomorrow so I could feel that school's ending, you know. I mean, for good. We're never coming back to that school anymore. It's weird. A few months ago I even wanted to burn that school to the ground, but now I'm so fucking sentimental about all this. I even fucking started to cry when the teachers circled around us to pray for us because I saw some of the teachers I'll miss. And then I really cried when Mrs. A pinned my SHS logo pin. I love her. I'm gonna freaking miss her and softball.
I'm gonna freaking miss SHS. It's hard to admit it, but I will miss that school. I'll miss my friends, I'll miss my class. God, I'm so fucking depressed. I'm gonna cry in graduation, I just know it. My classmates say I'm iyakin na. Whatev. I only cried in school like twice in the past two weeks. The other times (like when I was nervous about not making merit) my eyes were just brimming with tears.
Everything about our graduation is so depressing. Even our Responsorial Psalm ("Lord, it is good to give you thanks") is depressing. Our final song is so fucking beautiful it's depressing. Singing our Alma Mater is depressing. Betsy said way back when that she'd be crying processional pa lang, and I was like "Whatever." Now I know for sure I'm gonna cry while we're singing our depressing mass and grad songs.
Talking about all this is depressing.
Graduation in three days
I'm feeling sort of sad about it, to be honest. I always liked the thought of leaving, but now it just scares me.
My bruised ego says thanks
Thank God I'm a Merit Awardee. I know I must have looked stupid crying that much after I got my "note" but I was really just relieved. Yeah, that was what I felt. To be honest, I cried not so much for joy as for relief.
I could relax a bit now. However, our f-ed up Honors deliberation yesterday did a lot of damage to my already low self-esteem. It's fun to know that you're at the near bottom of the honor roll! Whatever. I knew I didn't give a lot of effort. I stopped aiming for Honors a long time ago.
I just wanted that Merit Award. But still...it makes me wonder what would have happened if I had given more effort. Maybe I just didn't want to do that whole thing 'cause I didn't want to get disappointed if I didn't make Honors... which would probably feel worse than what I felt when I found out my fugly rank.
I should stop caring. High school's over.
**
P.S. Belated Happy Birthday to Astrid! Last night was fun. Rocky Collado is hot! Groupie na ako ng The Bloomfields, man! Next week uli! Haha.
Joy.
I cannot even begin to explain my happiness. High school is over. At least all the stress from the quarterly tests, projects, missed quizzes and everything else is over. My face will now be able to breathe from being botched by the zits that sprung up these past two weeks. I can now sleep my normal eight hours (or nine?) during school days. Thank the Lord.
Two more weeks till graduation. It's a bit sad. I mean, I grew up in that school. Leaving it would be a big step.
UP in three months. America in six? Haha. I got a "likely letter" from the University of Virginia saying how strong my credentials are. Yee-hah! It means that I'm an "auto-admit" and that my application has also been forwarded to their Honors Programs. It's so f-ing cool! So basically if all goes as planned with the financial aid shit... I'm going to America in the fall for sure. Dang.
UVA rocks. It's an awesome school (its undergraduate business school is the second best in the US...after Penn :P) and I would be thrilled to go. I can't wait for decision letters in April.
**
Went to Danielle's birthday party. Fun.
I'm so f-ing depressed.
Oh God.
Pressure. Shit. Pressure. I'm going crazy right now. All the quizzes I've failed these past days have been bothering me like hell. This merit card awardee thing is driving me insane!! Merit award na nga lang!! Di na ako maghahangad ng honors! There is no shred of hope in me anymore!!
Ok. Time to put on my game face. I will possibly be "begging" at least three teachers to have mercy on me. God. I hate groveling. But... what can you do? Shit.
Tests next week. Oh goodness. I will pour every last ounce of my energy into those f-ing tests. I will study like a freaking nerd. God knows how I need good grades.
Sigh. The pressure. At least I can breathe a little bit from our two major projects. Those two late nights (Tuesday: IP Paper; Wednesday: SAP Paper) really wrecked my system. Two more projects, I think? And tests... then I'm done with high school.
Dang.